Dear Inkslinger…

So, some of the Tomboy Inkslinger OG fans know that I used to write an advice column called “G0-To Gay.” Right? Both of you?
Kidding. Well, it seems word has gotten around and in the last few months, I’ve gotten more than a few real-life relationship questions from people who are hoping to nudge their relationships into romance novel territory, or at least that sounds like the plan. I’m going to answer a couple of them, but before that, let’s make a big fat disclaimer very clear: I write romance novels for a living, I am not a therapist, and absolutely nothing qualifies me to give you guidance of any sort.

Right. Let’s get into it!

Dear Inkslinger,
I might be your biggest fan. No, really. I’ve read everything you’ve written and I’d love to be in love like the characters in your books, so I’m writing to see if you can help me with my relationship.
I’ll get right to the point. We haven’t had sex in four years. I’ve tried everything I can think of, including asking her to go to counseling, gentle questions on what might actually be causing the breakdown in our physical relationship, and lately, getting downright angry about it.
It’s getting to the point where I don’t even want to have sex with her anymore because after being rejected countless times, the resentment is piling up. She says she only wants monogamy but just isn’t interested in sex anymore. 
What should I do?

Damzin, Mountain Home, AR

Dear Damzin,

First of all, I think you’ve shown remarkable restraint to remain faithful after four long years of no sex, so congratulate yourself on that right out of the gate. That said, if your partner expects you to remain that way, she needs to either address the root cause of why she’s not interested, and at least make progress toward getting it back on track, or come to terms with the very real fact that the relationship will eventually fall apart, and probably in a most dramatic fashion.
There are a lot of things that could be at play here, including menopause, body image issues, simmering resentments of her own, or just taking you for granted, but the point is, it doesn’t matter. If she expects you to remain faithful, there has to be something to remain faithful to.
Allow me to elaborate. In lesbian culture, there is a phenomenon that’s more common than the mullet, so much so that we’ve slapped it with it’s own handy title, the universally dreaded Lesbian Bed Death…(Cue horror movie music.)
In my opinion, it starts with getting a bit too comfortable with each other, then way too familiar, and before you know it, BAM….you’re living with your best friend, not your lover. Of course, the root cause could be something different, as I mentioned above, but unless you’re both happy to see your sex life become a distant memory, it usually ends the same way. One of you starts getting restless, tries to address the problem, gets rebuffed one too many times and before you know it, the new vet tech at your cat’s annual check up starts to look like a frosty margarita as you emerge from the desert. From there it’s a quick progression to flirting, then texting, then checking into the nearest motel because you’ve suddenly remembered how fucking great sex is.
I can tell you love her, and that you’ve done the best you can to fix this, so my advice is this: have one last conversation where you are brutally honest about the fact that you are not willing to give up sex for the next fifty years, and let her know that if things don’t change within a certain amount of time, you’ll end the relationship.
It’s not fair for you to live without something that is a basic human need, and it’s not fair for her to expect you to. If she chooses not to work toward getting that back to normal, you need to respectfully end the relationship. (And then call that vet tech.)
Good luck.

Dear Inkslinger,

My wife of two years wants to open our relationship to include a third person. Essentially, she wants us to move from being a couple to a throuple, and she’s gone on and on about exactly what kind of woman would be perfect for us, how it would all work, and why it would be the best thing ever. 
I hate the idea. I’ve really thought about it, and I just don’t want to go there. I’ve made that clear but it doesn’t seem to make any difference. How can I get her to drop the subject and just be happy with us?

Marina. San Diego, CA

Marina, I want you to get up right now and go the kitchen, pour a shot or grab a brownie, whatever works for you, and down it. ‘Cause this ain’t gonna be pretty…Ready?
I’m going to get straight to the point. If you’ve made it abundantly clear three is not your number and she continues to push the issue, there’s likely more going on here. It could be that she’s just made the decision that this is the lifestyle for her and needs to go experience it, but I don’t think so. I think it’s closer to home than that.
You mention that she “goes on and on about exactly what kind of woman would be perfect for us.” I think she’s already got someone in mind, if not already in hand. She wants to get with this woman, and she’s pressuring you to “add her into the relationship” when you’ve made it clear you don’t want that, so she can have her cake and eat it too.
This is what I want you to remember, Marina. She owes you the truth. Do whatever you need to do to get it, and then put the smack down on the fact that she’s got to drop this sideshow and recommit to the relationship you’re in or you’re out of there.
Listen to your gut. If you think she’s already involved with someone else, chances are she is. But even if she isn’t, if she can’t stop making you feel like you’re not enough for her, then you deserve better.
Sorry, babe. Told you to get that shot for a reason.

Let me know in the comments if you liked the return of the Go-To Gay, and I might do a few more in the future. Specifically, one hundred thirty-three of them. Because it seems lesbian life is more complicated than a season of Real Housewives, and ya’ll have been writing me about it.
Now, I’m off to find brownies. See you next week!