I started to write rougher sex and softer love once I realized forever is a myth.

I started to write rougher sex and softer love once I realized forever is a myth.

I was reading one of my older posts tonight, which I rarely do, and it had an excerpt from my first book that I wrote about four years ago. It was a sex scene, the first time two main characters were together, and I wrote from my own experience a bit. Not wholly, but to say it didn’t have a grain or two of that would be glaringly untrue. In it, you can feel the love between the two characters and you have at least an idea that everything will turn out well for them. It was a bit shocking to read. Not the sex, the realization that I couldn’t separate sex from the shimmering idea of a rosy future attached to it.

What’s different now? Let’s just say I’ve let that shit go.

I no longer even think about the future except to acknowledge that I never want to be in a long-term relationship again. Or at least one that I think will last forever. Just writing the word forever makes me want to shrug it off like a wet fur coat. Is it possible that I will be? Maybe. But I’ll only admit it after the fact when so many years have piled up behind us that I can no longer deny it’s been just that. And no, this isn’t some angsty display of tomboy bravado, I’ve just lived long enough now to know that forever doesn’t exist, at least not for me, and that’s informed how I write about sex. How so, you ask? Because I don’t have the shiny shackles of the perfect, everlasting relationship attached to every naked moment, I can write honestly about the sometimes gritty, life-altering experience that sex sometimes is.

Ready for too much information? If you swoon like a hoop-skirted southern belle at the mere mention of an orgasm, you may want to stop reading now, but I think you won’t. Most of us are attracted to raw edges because we have similar ones we’re desperate to keep under wraps.

So let’s start with the main character in this real-life drama…She’s my age, for starters, with a centered transparency that’s a little dangerous. We were friends for years before we got physical, and because sex wasn’t a factor earlier in our relationship, we’d been emotionally naked more than a few times before she ever unbuttoned my shirt and tossed it on the floor. And this post notwithstanding, for someone as private as I am, that was a big damn deal. I didn’t always like what she said, but it was always the truth, and she lovingly called me on my shit before I even thought about believing it myself.

And it’s that authenticity that made the sex so shatteringly hot. Nothing existed except her eyes holding mine as she kept me on the edge until she was good and goddamn ready to push me past it. And I let her. For the first time in my life, I was wholly experiencing what was happening, not directing it, or thinking about what it all meant, or how I’d feel in the morning. I don’t remember choosing to let all that shit go; it may be that it just happened organically. …But a significant relationship had ended a few weeks before, and I think it’s more likely that I’d finally realized nothing mattered except the moment.

Just that one blindingly intense, life-altering, authentic moment.



3 Replies to “I started to write rougher sex and softer love once I realized forever is a myth.”

  1. I’ve always know you as Pat, so please forgive me for calling you Pat. Pat, I love the fact that we are friends, for more than 30 years now, sorry for bringing that time frame up too! You are amazing and I’m so glad that other people get to know you through your writing. If they never get to know you personally, which is a shame, at least they have a small window to your soul! No matter how many miles separate us, and years pass before we see each other face to face, I still love being your friend! Thank you for sharing “You” with the world. What a treasure!

  2. I was Junior and you a senior. I knew you as Pat…but totally respect Patty! The most friendly we were was in band. Woodwind v percussion. And you probably don’t even remember me. But I was so in awe of you in high school. Took me a really long time to find love. Couple of false starts. Hoping this time it’s forever- but that’s hard to trust. I love keeping up with you and your story. You are inspirational.

    1. I completely remember you! You had such a beautiful mouth. I thought of it years ago when I was writing a short story.

      I’m so humbled by your comment, Julie. Thank you, and I appreciate you taking the time to read my writing. It’s nothing without someone to read it, and when you know me? Then it’s you that’s getting the real story.;)