Why I’m Cheating On Polyamory… With Monogamy.

Ahhh…. the lure of polyamory, or, in my case, Ethical Non-Monogamy. The freedom to explore hidden sides of your sexuality with different partners, or just allow yourself to love (not using that as a verb) more than one person at a time.

I’ve had very successful ENM relationships and successful monogamous relationships. I have ethics of steel, so both suit me, but I’m now cheating on ENM with (gasp) monogamy… with no plans to return. Which feels a bit scandalous, if I’m honest. What the hell happened to my Annie Oakly spin on love, the clouds of Old West boundary-breaking dust flying in my wake, the sharp tang of gunpowder and excitement in the air?

“But why? Polyamory seems so perfect for you.”

You’re correct. At least, the way it’s supposed to go…. breaking sexual and relational boundaries, exploring parts of yourself through breaking social norms, and retaining your independence while having meaningful connections.
But how did it really make me feel? Like a very disposable mistress that isn’t important in a real sense, to anyone. I’m enough for me, and I love my life. But to be reminded at every turn that there is a hierarchy of other people that are more important at any given moment turned out to be, surprisingly, not my thing. And for a lot of people in relationships they can’t be bothered to work on (primary relationships), having someone else is a band-aid, sort of verification that they are still desirable, without having to put the work in to sort through the mess they created with the person they left at home.
Am I flipping through the phone book for the local U-haul location? No. But I know I want to be someone’s first choice. Someone’s first call, the only person someone I love turns to when the chips are down.

I guess I’m just ready to see a second whiskey tumbler on the bar.